| About me. I know it's long. But please read it. |
[24 Jul 2009|09:24pm] |
I know it's long, but please read it. This will always remain my first entry, actual entries continue below.
So, you may ask, what disorder do I have exactly?
From what my mom tells me, I used to hate myself more than anything else in the world when I was young (like 7 ish). I went to a therapist for years and finally felt better about who I was. I don't even remember me hating myself so much, which I guess shows how good the therapist was. My mom told me that I used to say things like, "I'm useless to the world, all I'm here for is to eat all the food." Again, I don't remember feeling this way, but I was a rather chubby child and could imagine saying this. But life went on.
I moved in 4th grade and was the nerdy-yet-funny-but-slightly-annoying-girl in the class. Fifth grade, I was 4'11", one day I looked at the scale and it read "115." I ran to my room and cried for hours, my mom came in and suggested I start eating healthier. So I followed her advice and lost weight. I was happy again.
7th grade came. Again, I hated myself, but I was much more private about it and showed it in odd ways. I became the "slut" of the grade. I wore low-cut tops and short skirts to try and get guys to notice me. I *knew* no guy would ever like me if I didn't dress that way. I would hit on guys constantly in a way that was way to sexual for a 7th grader. Then Craig happened, one of my hook up buddies. I went much farther with him then I had wanted to. I hated myself for allowing that to happen. I became even more depressed and hated myself more. Enter binge eating and purge attempts. I would try to purge almost every night but I could never manage to actually throw up. Then I would cry in the shower because of my eating and then failure at getting rid of the food.
Summer: Best experience of my life. I went to this program called the Duke TIP program. (TIP stands for Talent Identification Program). It was for the nerdy smarties who wanted to take college courses over the summer for fun. It changed me in every way. I realized there that I could be myself and love myself. I got confidence more than anything else. I also met Brett.
9th grade: Happiness, confidence, friends, etc.
Summer again: More TIP, things were weird between Brett and me but we stayed together. I chopped off 6 inches of my hair. When things aren't going right for me, I tend to take drastic measures. I don't really know my thought process behind the hair cutting, but I thought it would make me happier. Or something.
10th grade: More stress then I could ever imagine coupled with binge eating. I think I ate more food in tenth grade then I had through the rest of my entire life. Summer started with me weighing 165 pounds at 5'4"
Summer of tenth (This summer): Brett and I were still together at Duke but things were really rocky. He seemed to ignore me and not want to be with me at all. I know it's because I was disgustingly fat and not as appealing as I used to be to him. I stopped eating. I allowed myself 1/2 a cereal bar a day just because I was scared of fainting at night time activities. I hated myself for allowing to get as big as I did. Ugh, even thinking about how fat I was disgusts me more than anything else. Those thoughts are my true thinspiration.
Ok, so I get back from TIP and my parents realize right away the weight loss and lack of eating. I realize that it's not gonna work and I must eat in front of them. I knew I couldn't go back to how I was before, I just COULDNT. I found proanorexia and read about this "2468" thing a few weeks ago. Ever since, I've followed it as strictly as possible. It has been my savior. I eat a lot, I'm always full, my friends and family have no idea. I just tell them I count calories but I don't tell them how little calories I allow for myself. I'm actually beginning to feel better about myself again. I'm not happy with how I look yet but I just wish Brett could see me now instead of at TIP. I wish he could see me at my first goal weight of 135 or my next one of 120. I know he'd have appreciated me more. But for now, I'm enjoying myself and the 2468. It's what makes me happy because I can do it and I have control over everything. If I wanted to stop, I'm sure I could, but I don't want to. Ever. (Maybe.)
Edited 9/22/06:
Ok, so I get back from TIP and my parents realize right away the weight loss and lack of eating. I realize that it's not gonna work and I must eat in front of them. I knew I couldn't go back to how I was before, I just COULDNT. I found ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.1) proanorexia and read about this "2468" thing a few months ago. I followed it as strictly as possible for 2 and 1/2 months. It was my savior. I lost 40 pounds. My family and friends started getting really worried and near the end, my body was beginning to break down. I've changed my diet a bit to include slightly more calories and protein. I NEVER exceeded 1000 calories a day.
I'm not happy with how I look yet but I just wish Brett could see me now instead of at TIP. I wish he could see me at my first goal weight of 135 or my next one of 125 (both reached BTW). I know he'd have appreciated me more. But for now, I'm happy with the control over everything. I need this control in my life. My binges, although not happening often, trigger a depression in me deeper than sadness I feel over most death. Horrible, I know. And it's always the damn peanut butter that leads to binges. But as I manage to control myself more, I find myself becoming happier. This is who I am.
/Edit
Edited June 7, 2007:
And now enters the stages of Binge Eating. Been going on for the past six months. I've gained more weight then I've lost. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate everything. Right about now the only things I don't hate are my boyfriend and best friend who have tried to help me through everything. I am currently trying to eat healthy, not restrict OR binge. You know, going to the gym, doing the "normal" thing.
Not that it actually works.
Once disordered, always disordered.
/Edit.
So what exactly does this make me?
A wannarexic? ED-NOS? Stupid? Binge Eater? Whatever, you decide.
But I want to be small, I want the perfection.
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[21 Dec 2008|03:27pm] |
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Sorry I haven't been commenting lately everyone. I just got back from Disney, yay! Went with ym best friend it was fun, I didn't watch what I ate which scares me, the scale will tell me the truth tomorrow...
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[14 Dec 2008|07:03pm] |
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Exams are over!!! I can have a life again!
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[09 Dec 2008|08:02am] |
Exams. Whoo-de-doo. I hope this little depression phase I'm going through doesn't hurt my grades. My pants today are huge on me. The number on the scale stayed the same... which should I believe? We all know the answer...
The scale.
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[07 Dec 2008|11:32pm] |
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it's scary how badly I need a hug right now. I have no one to give it to me. I can't stand this. Thank you everyone on LJ that cares about me, I just wish I had this support in real life.
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[07 Dec 2008|02:38pm] |
I have no one. I am no one. End of story.
Don't do drugs.
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[04 Dec 2008|09:32am] |
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Mwahaha Water Weight God! I beat you! Yeah, that half a pound you made me gain 2 days ago? Well I'm now 3 pounds less! What now beotch, 160.5!
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[03 Dec 2008|05:54pm] |
So, this is an 'about me' post, yay!
I might not even talk about weight... lolz I probably will.
Boys- So there is this one guy I am interested in. He's a complete and utter douchebag. Yet I still can't help myself from hooking up with him. I know eventually I'm going to end up hurt especially because I think I might sorta kinda like him. But he doesn't like me in that way. At all. So for now, I'm enjoying the hooking up. Though, he's the type of douche that doesn't respond when you call/text him, he has a tendency to ignore you if you see him around campus, he makes you feel like it's your fault when shit goes wrong, etc (yes, all three of those have happened multiple times).... But he's really good at certain things he does. And he can be nice. He's also extremely flamboyant, which to me is a turn off, but somehow it works on him. Gah! I don't want to like him because I know it's bad for me but I can't help it!
School- As per usual, the worse my eating gets, the better my grades get. I tend to focus a lot harder on school when I'm trying not to focus on food. Personally, I think it's a pretty damn good trade off.
Friends- Skinny. Not fair. (oops, no weight related comments... oh well)
Family- So this thanksgiving, I found out the age at which every single member of my family lost their virginites hahahaha.... my dad was TWELVE! TO A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD!
Oh, and my 70 year old grandpa still smokes pot.
Anything else?- Nah. Everyone else should do a post like this though so I can get to know all of you too =)
yay!
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[02 Dec 2008|09:21am] |
I had 700 calories yesterday, how the fuck did I gain half a pound?!
Like seriously, wtf?!
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[01 Dec 2008|07:47pm] |
So I wondered over to proanorexia (yeah I know I've been there a lot lately) and apparently through the thousands of pointless posts there was one crying for help, saying she was going to end it. Permanently. It gave me the shivers.
What amazed me though was the sheer amount of comments begging her to stay, praying for her to be okay, crying for her safety. It's that type of support, when someone is truly in need, that makes me believe in the good of LiveJournals and so called "pro-anorexia" support groups. So many people that don't even know this girl joined together to try and bring her back.
I hope she's okay.
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[01 Dec 2008|10:28am] |
2 good things
1. I lost 2 pounds over Turkey Break. 163 now, this is the lowest I've been since June.
2. Last night I was with my hook up friend and he had his hand on my ribs and was like "what's that"? And I was all "muh ribs beotch." and he was all "cool." and I was like ":)"
Good story, eh?
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[29 Nov 2008|03:07am] |
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It makes me SO sad when I see 13 year olds talking legitimately about eating disorders and cutting in proanorexia
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[19 Nov 2008|03:41pm] |
I have 7 horizontal scars on my thigh from bad times last year, about an inch total in each dimension. I think they're pretty damn permanent. I'm considering getting a tattoo over them of a heart with a vine wrapped around it with the words "love yourself" written on the vine, with the vine representing growth and maturity and the words covering my scars showing basically how far I've come from this same time last year... and the year before...
Thoughts?
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[06 Jun 2008|06:47pm] |
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I can't decide whether thinspiration photos make me happy or really fucking depressed. Well, I know they do both, but I don't know which one outweighs the other... hahaha outweighs lolz ed-pun
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[26 Dec 2007|09:28am] |
Oh boy! I'm at a new high weight, yay!
hundred-frickin-eighty
I blame this on the munchies.
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[18 Nov 2007|11:27am] |
:'-(
sigh
binge.
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[13 Nov 2007|09:04pm] |
800 calories, 2 hour soccer game.
Didn't do any homework. But I don't care.
I feel good right now.
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[12 Nov 2007|08:43pm] |
I had a verrrrry bad day food wise. I got in a fight with the boyfriend in the late afternoon and retaliated with croissants, peanut butter, and fried chicken....eww. And before that I hadn't eaten anything; I was happy.
I hate that he weighs ten pounds less than me and is 6 inches taller, it truly hurts me.
Sigh, I hate days where I just feel generally crappy.
I'm starting Hoodia again tomorrow.
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[11 Nov 2007|11:50pm] |
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Not gonna lie, it's exciting that in guessmyweight most people think I'm around 150 pounds when I'm actually 175. Yay!
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